א טעגליכע שמייכל פון די שפעט נאכטיגער קאמיקער

[אליצפן]

איך האב מיך אמאל איינגעשריבן ערגעץ וואו, צו באקומען יעדן טאג אויף אימעיל אלע מילתא דבדיחותא'ס פון די טאלק שאו לצים פון א נאכט דערפריער, אזויווי דזשעי לענאו וחביריו, און אזוי ווי רוב מאל האבן זיי גאר גוטע סחורה, האב איך באשלאסן צוליב אל תמנע טוב מבעליו צו עפענען אן אשכול, וואו כ'וועל בלי נדר יעדן טאג צוברענגן די דזשאקס ככתבם וכלשונם.

[אליצפן]

וזה החלי
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

U.S. embassies are closed all around the Middle East this week due to a terrorist threat. What happened was the U.S. intercepted a conference call of 20 al-Qaida operatives. Twenty on one conference call! Who is their carrier? I go under a bridge and my cellphone drops the call, but they can get 20 people in one call from a cave
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All our best to former President George W. Bush, who is recovering from successful heart surgery today. All day the media have been sending get-well wishes to President Bush. Fox News sent flowers. MSNBC sent a steak and cheese fries
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We had President Obama on the show last night. It was a huge honor, but all the security made it difficult getting into the building. Security was checking IDs, the Secret Service was searching cars, Donald Trump was out front checking birth certificates — it was crazy
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The Republican National Committee now says if NBC and CNN don't pull plans for a Hillary Clinton miniseries and movie, they won't hold any Republican debates on those networks. That works for me. Now if we could just get the Democrats to pull their debates, we wouldn’t have to watch any of that crap.

Conan

Brigham Young University has been named the top sober school in America for the 16th year in a row. The students celebrated by having the worst party ever
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President Obama has called off a summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin because of diplomatic differences. Also, Obama didn't like Putin's demand that the summit be held shirtless and on horseback
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The NFL announced that referees are going to crack down this year on excessive celebrations. NFL players are being told not to show off too much after a touchdown, a sack, or a murder

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

I'm not one of those ex-smokers who says, "I'll never smoke again." I would start smoking again in a heartbeat. The only thing stopping me is the painful early death
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I fancy smoking a pipe. Actually, I would like to just fill my pipe and then put on a robe and go around solving crimes.
The big trend these days is electronic cigarettes. They are not as bad for you. I suppose they're safer than regular cigarettes, but a lot of things are safer than cigarettes. That's like saying your movie made more money than "The Lone Ranger" or like saying you fathered fewer children than Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Jamaica isn't far away from Florida. If you go to Jamaica, on a quiet night you can hear old people in Boca Raton laughing at CBS sitcoms
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Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

During a fundraiser last night, Mitt Romney told Republicans that they need to pick a candidate for 2016 who can actually win. And Republicans said, "Yeah, I wish you told us that last year. But hey, thanks a lot."

Last week, a woman in Nevada gave birth to a healthy baby boy in the bathroom of a Subway restaurant. Afterwards, the manager said, "Uh, you still have to buy something. Restrooms are for customers only."

A study found that if given a choice, most Americans would not want to live to the age of 120. People don't want to live to 120 except for one group — people who are at 119.

[אליצפן]

פון א טאג פריער.

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

I guess you all heard about this terrorist threat the president warned us about. One of the reasons al-Qaida is upset with the United States is because we are giving aid to Yemen. We didn’t have a choice. When life hands you Yemen, you give them Yemen aid
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Congratulations to NASA. The Mars rover Curiosity is celebrating its first anniversary on Mars. So far, in the year it’s been up there it has sent back 70,000 photos. I know that sounds like a lot, but it’s still less than Anthony Weiner sent out
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Researchers at the University of Chicago say that dolphins, not elephants, have the longest memories in the animal kingdom. They confirmed this when a dolphin was upset that an elephant it had met 20 years ago didn’t even recognize him

Conany
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A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. I just have to say that that's an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot
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A scientist has figured out a way to turn coffee grounds into alcohol. He is not so much a scientist as he is an alcoholic

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

Fifty years ago today was "The Great Train Robbery." Robbers got away with $63 million in cash from a postal train in Britain. My father worked for the post office at that time. He was supposed to be working on the night that it was robbed, but he had the flu. He called in sick. Coincidence? I'm not sure.
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The train was going from Glasgow to London. So the Scottish banks lost millions. Scottish people were spewing venom and then the robbery happened and it got worse
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I like heist movies. "Oceans 11" was a good one. Then there was "Oceans 12" where they robbed the people who went to see the movie.

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city's students passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they're too bad at math to realize how bad that is
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LeBron James of the Miami Heat had to report for jury duty today. Of course there will be 11 other jurors to help decide the case, but you know he'll wind up doing it all by himself
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After The Washington Post and The Boston Globe were both sold this week, the owner of The New York Times came out and said that his paper is not for sale. Oh yeah? Then how come I just bought one at a newsstand?

[יואב]

העי, א גוטער אשכול דאס.
אליצפן א נייער שטערן דא. א באגאבטער אנשטענדיגער שרייבער דא, א רעכטער מיטגליד פונעם רואיג פארברענג ווינקל. פארטרעט נישט עפעס א קיצעלדיגן חצר קודש, ער איז נישט מוחה, ער פייניגט נישט, און מ'דארף נישט צו לייגן צו זיין נאמען וד"'ל, ודו"ק, וק"ל, און 'שטפא'. וועלקאם!

לענא איז פון די באקרוינטע לצים איך גלייך זייער נישט. כ'בין זיכער אויב וואלט ער געוועזן א חסיד וואלטן מיר געקענט לייגן זיינע סחורה אינעם אויסגעדראשענע זאצן אשכול. אלץ ווען איך זעה אים זיך עפענען דאס מויל (כ'טראכט אפשר דאך איז ער גוט, פשוט פון די לעוועל שוויגער וויצן איך קום, אוודאי קען מען אים דרשן'ען לגנאי) פארלויפט מיר אן איבל. אדרבה, לינק מיר צו א גוטן שאו פון אים. ער איז דאך אזא ערשט קלאסיגן זויגער, ווען נישט דעם כשם שאין פרצופיהן שווין (אקעי, נישט זיין פראבלעם), וואלט איך אים...

[אליצפן]

א דאנק פאר די ווארעמע אויפנאמע יואב, האסט מיך ממש געמאכט עמאשינעל..
בנוגע לענא מוז איך זיך לצערי דיסעגריען מיט דיר. ער איז לדעתי די בעסטע פון אלע אנדערע קאמיקער, כמובן אויסער דער קעניג פון פאליטיקעל קאמעדי דזשאן סטוארט.
ער האט טעגליך די בעסטע וויצן, וואס איז באמת נישט זיין גדלות נאר עס צייגט אז ער האט די בעסטער שרייבערס. ווי אויך האט פון צייט צו צייט גאר גוטער קאמעדי שטיקלעך ווי העדליינס און דזשעי וואלקינג.
דוד לעטערמאן קען זיך פאר אים באגראבן.
מיט די צייט וועל איך דא צוברענגען עטליכער פון זיינע אלטע געלונגענע וויצן, ווי אויך לינקס צו זיינע גרעיטעסט היטס.

[סאשי פיש]

[tag]אליצפן[/tag] א דאנק פאר די אשכול!
איך ווארט אויף נאך, ביטע

[אליצפן]

אוודאי קומט נאך, יעצט איז פשוט די וויקענד און די חברה ארבעטן נישט שבת און זונטאג. (פוילע מילליאנערן וואס זיי זענען..)

[סאשי פיש]

פון ווי מאכען זיי אזויפיל געלט?

[אליצפן]

וואס הייסט פון ווי? די זעלבער פלאץ ווי דו מאכסט דיין געלט(?), זייער דזשאב!
דוד לעטערמאן'ס וועידזש איז פערציג מעלאנעס א יאר, און דזשעי לענא גייט ארויס מיט איבער פופציג מילליאן דאלאר א יאר.
און דאס איז שוין אויסער די דיעלס וואס זיי האבן צו ספאנסערן זאכן פריוואט וכדו' וואס ברענגט אריין נאך אפאר רויטע מעלאנעס א יאר.

[סאשי פיש]

[tag]אליצפן[/tag] א דאנק פאר די אשכול!
איך ווארט אויף נאך, ביטע

[אליצפן]

Conan
Controversial Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez hit his first home run of the year and the season premiere of "Breaking Bad" aired. It was a big day for drug dealers.

Oprah was shopping in Switzerland and a Swiss clerk refused to show her a $38,000 purse. To prove her point, Oprah bought Switzerland.

At the Missouri State Fair, a rodeo clown put on a President Obama mask and tried to get a bull to chase him. Yeah. But it backfired because the bull sat down and said, "Let's be fair and see what he does with his second term."

"Star Wars" creator George Lucas and his wife just welcomed their first child. He won't tell the child he is the father until episode five.

[אליצפן]

אלע גרויסער קאמידיענס זענען געווען אויף וואקאציע דער וואך.

[שעפטל]

נישט שיין פון זיי. באקומען באצאלט פאר גארנישט??

און אז כ'שרייב שוין, [tag]אלצפן[/tag]'ל גיי אן!

[זר זהב]

סטוערט איז שוין אויף וועקעשאן עטליכע וואכן

[אליצפן]

סטוערט איז שוין אויף וועקעשאן עטליכע וואכן

ער איז נישט אויף וואקאציע, ער מאכט עפעס א מאווי אין אויסלאנד. דער שטעלפארטרעטער זיינע טויג אויף כפרות.

[זר זהב]

זיין שטעלפארטרעטער איז דאך זיין א"ג קארעספאנדאנט. זיין עקסענט איז שרעקליך, געמישט ענגליש און סקאטיש

[אליצפן]

There was a guy caught on the Mexican border with $128,000 in his socks. The guy is kind of stupid, though. The Border Patrol asked, "Why did you stick all the money in your socks?" He said, "Because I'm using my rectum for drugs

It's been revealed that the iPhone will not autocorrect the word "marijuana." Yeah, that explains why the other night Snoop Dogg was delivered a package of marinara

A recent report finds that by the year 2043 white people will no longer be the majority in America. And by 2050 people will be saying, "I'm not racist. One of my best friends is white "

This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone

[אליצפן]

President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he's going to concentrate on immigration. He says he will start by deporting Ted Cruz.

Today John McCain said the shutdown was, quote, one of the most shameful things he's seen as a senator. That's from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot.
Researchers are in the process of creating an underwater Wi-Fi network. Finally a way for people to tweet "I'm drowning."

For the last week, guess what in New York City? No murders. I think it's because of the government shutdown, but I'm not sure.

What this means is New Yorkers are committing their murders out of town.

There were no murders in New York City. Everybody says, "Yeah, that's great." But here's what I'm thinking: "Oh, no, does this mean now the subway will be crowded?"
Congress finally reopened the government. Unfortunately, some underlying issues still remain. Republicans oppose tax increases. Democrats oppose benefit cuts. And John McCain opposes kids on his lawn.

The new deal means the U.S. will be able to pay off its debts. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. By "everyone" I mean China.

The government will temporarily reopen until January 15 with the debt ceiling raised until February 7, and then we'll do this over again. Why do we have a debt ceiling? Why can't we get rid of the debt ceiling, have a convertible government and feel the wind in our national hair?