A man stumbles up to the only other person at a kiddush in shul and asks if he can offer him a drink
"Why of course'" comes the reply. The first man then asks: "where are you from?" "I'm from Williamsburg" repleis the second man
The first man responds: you dont say! I'm from williamsburg too!Lets have another round for williamsburg!
Curious the first man then asks: where in willi are you from ? "Clymer St. he replies. "I cant believe it says the first man I'm from clymer st too! lets have another drink for Clymer st.!
Curiosity strikes again, the first man asks what school did you go to ? "UTA" replies the man, I graduated in Mem zayen. "this is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to UTA and i graduated in Mem zayin too!
About that time in walks another kiddish-goer who sits down near the rabbi at the other table. "What's been going on her?" He asks the rabbi.
nothing much" replies the rabbi The Schwartz twins are drunk again".
איך שרייב וואס איך וויל און וואס איך האלט פאר ריכטיג, וועדער יו "לייק" איט אר נאט
איינער האט געזען ווי זיין חבר פון די דערנעבנדיגע באנגעלו יאגט זיך אהיימצופארן זונטאג נאכט צו די שטאט פרעגט ער איהם ווי יאגסט דיך פאר מארגן פארטאגס ווי א נארמאלע מענטש ענטפערט ער איהם, אז איך באצאל שוין זאל איך כאטש הנאה האבן
והיא שעמדה לאבותינו ולנו שלא אחד בלבד עמד עלינו לכלותנו והקדוש ברוך הוא מצילנו מידם
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post.
He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.
However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00.
The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
ווען איר רעדט פארשטייט מען אייך!!
ווען איר זענט שטיל האט מען אייך ליעב!!!
